Obama’s Barrage of Complete Sentences Seen as Brutal Attack on Trump
April 24th, 2017, 12:50 PM

CHICAGO (The Borowitz Report)—In an appearance at the University of Chicago on Monday, former President Barack Obama unloaded a relentless barrage of complete sentences in what was widely seen as a brutal attack on his successor, Donald Trump.

Daily Cartoon: Monday, April 24th
April 24th, 2017, 12:50 PM
The Irish Constellation
April 24th, 2017, 12:50 PM

Now that everybody’s confessing everything, I’m ready to confess that, until about five years ago, I was under the impression that the constellation Orion was the constellation O’Ryan. I thought of it as the Irish constellation, sort of the way that actors refer to “Macbeth” as “the Scottish play.” Had I never seen “Orion” in print? I had, in fact, but I suppose I thought it was pronounced “oar-e-un.” I thought it was some other constellation that had nothing to do with the constellation people were referring to when they pointed to the sky and said what I heard as “Do you see O’Ryan’s Belt?” This is not so crazy. I know somebody who, not having been read to much when he was a child, grew up thinking that “Pat the Bunny” was a book about a bunny named Pat. These things happen.

Cartoons from the May 1, 2017, Issue
April 23rd, 2017, 12:50 PM
On This Week’s Episode of Generic Medical Drama
April 23rd, 2017, 12:50 PM
On This Week’s Episode of Generic Medical Drama
April 23rd, 2017, 12:50 PM
My MacBook: A Complete Guide for Electronics-Ban Airport Thieves
April 22nd, 2017, 12:50 PM

New security regulations from the U.S. Department of Homeland Security and U.K.’s Department for Transport ban passengers flying from certain Middle East and North African airports to the U.S. and U.K. from bringing electronics bigger than a smartphone into the cabins. Laptops, e-readers, tablets, cameras, and more will now have to be checked in at the airport of origin. . . . “Bag theft goes up tremendously during these bans, as does identity theft and intellectual property theft.”

My MacBook: A Complete Guide for Electronics-Ban Airport Thieves
April 22nd, 2017, 12:50 PM

New security regulations from the U.S. Department of Homeland Security and U.K.’s Department for Transport ban passengers flying from certain Middle East and North African airports to the U.S. and U.K. from bringing electronics bigger than a smartphone into the cabins. Laptops, e-readers, tablets, cameras, and more will now have to be checked in at the airport of origin. . . . “Bag theft goes up tremendously during these bans, as does identity theft and intellectual property theft.”

Bureaucracy: The Board Game
April 21st, 2017, 12:50 PM
Daily Cartoon: Friday, April 21st
April 21st, 2017, 12:50 PM
Trump Protest Signs That Also Work as Mom’s-New-Boyfriend-Lance Protest Signs
April 21st, 2017, 12:50 PM

Let’s face it: the time for apathy has passed. A terrifying and incompetent regime has somehow taken charge, right where we live. We never thought it could happen, but it did, and now it’s our civil duty to fight back, peacefully but vigorously, to protect our rights. Whether the totalitarian nightmare you’re fighting against is Donald Trump or that guy Lance who keeps trying to hug you like he’s your dad or something, these protest-sign slogans will help you resist.

DystopIKEA
April 20th, 2017, 12:50 PM
Our Five Biggest Questions About that “Nooks & Cranny” Season Finale
April 20th, 2017, 12:50 PM

NOTE: This piece contains massive spoilers. If you have not yet made it through all twelve episodes of “Nooks & Cranny,” Season 1, please proceed with caution. You have been warned!

Daily Cartoon: Thursday, April 20th
April 20th, 2017, 12:50 PM
Daily Cartoon: Wednesday, April 19th
April 19th, 2017, 12:50 PM
Upcoming Utopian Novels (Now that We Live in a Dystopia)
April 19th, 2017, 12:50 PM

“2084”

Jared Kushner Calls Kim Jong-un “Totally Unqualified Person” Who Got Job Only Through Nepotism
April 18th, 2017, 12:50 PM

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Offering a stunningly blunt appraisal of the North Korean leader, Jared Kushner said on Tuesday that Kim Jong-un was a “totally unqualified person” who attained his position of power only through nepotism.

Why You Should Hire #True-x Bliss to D.J. Your Wedding Reception
April 18th, 2017, 12:50 PM

Are you getting married on a weekend in New Jersey, or somewhere easily accessible by New Jersey Transit? Is your dream wedding reception one that combines the awkward m.c.-ing of a sweet sixteen with the awkward “Jock Jams” soundtrack of a junior prom? Do you dream of flying a middle finger in the face of your possibly epileptic guests with non-stop strobe lights? If you answered a big “hell yeah” to all of those questions, #True-x Bliss is the d.j. team for you.

The Secret Life of My Plants
April 18th, 2017, 12:50 PM
Daily Cartoon: Tuesday, April 18th
April 18th, 2017, 12:50 PM
Daily Cartoon: Monday, April 17th
April 17th, 2017, 12:50 PM
North Korea Offers Unconditional Surrender After Mike Pence Angrily Squints at It
April 17th, 2017, 12:50 PM

PYONGYANG (The Borowitz Report)—In a major foreign-policy coup for the Trump Administration, North Korea offered to unconditionally abandon its nuclear program on Monday, after Mike Pence spent several minutes angrily squinting at the nation from just across the border.

Cartoons from the April 24, 2017, Issue
April 16th, 2017, 12:50 PM