A Few Simple Tips for Curly-Hair Care
May 27th, 2017, 08:07 AM

How long has it been since your last haircut? Yikes, you’re awful! Not to worry. Summer is coming, but, luckily, keeping curly hair moisturized is incredibly simple. Let me just figure out what we’re working with.

A Few Simple Tips for Curly-Hair Care
May 27th, 2017, 08:07 AM

How long has it been since your last haircut? Yikes, you’re awful! Not to worry. Summer is coming, but, luckily, keeping curly hair moisturized is incredibly simple. Let me just figure out what we’re working with.

Wet Paint
May 26th, 2017, 08:07 AM

Why are there so many “wet paint” signs in the subway? Henry, a Belgian expat, investigates.

Wet Paint
May 26th, 2017, 08:07 AM

Why are there so many “wet paint” signs in the subway? Henry, a Belgian expat, investigates.

“13 Reasons Why,” Season 2: Trump
May 26th, 2017, 08:07 AM

(Voice on tape) Hi, it’s Donald. Donald Trump. Don’t adjust your—whatever it is you’re hearing this on. Get yourself a snack and settle in, ’cause I’m about to tell you the story of why I committed political suicide. There are thirteen reasons. And they’re the best reasons. Everybody knows that.

“13 Reasons Why,” Season 2: Trump
May 26th, 2017, 08:07 AM

(Voice on tape) Hi, it’s Donald. Donald Trump. Don’t adjust your—whatever it is you’re hearing this on. Get yourself a snack and settle in, ’cause I’m about to tell you the story of why I committed political suicide. There are thirteen reasons. And they’re the best reasons. Everybody knows that.

Daily Cartoon: Friday, May 26th
May 26th, 2017, 08:07 AM
Social-Media Creation Myths
May 25th, 2017, 08:07 AM

Twitter: Twitter is a beautiful, magical bird trapped in the body of a Web site by a jealous underworld demigod. The billion billionth time that Twitter is refreshed, the bird will return to her original form and ascend to the sky, borne aloft by a billion billion joules of subtweets.

Daily Cartoon: Thursday, May 25th
May 25th, 2017, 08:07 AM
Republican Health-Care Plan Lacks Coverage for Injuries Resulting from Body Slamming
May 25th, 2017, 08:07 AM

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The health-care bill passed by House Republicans earlier this month offers no coverage for injuries suffered as a result of body slamming, according to a report issued on Thursday.

Eulogy for America
May 25th, 2017, 08:07 AM

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to say our goodbyes to our dear friend America, who died recently after a brief, intense battle with fascism and a long, slow battle with carbs. Thank you all for coming out to help say farewell. It’s not easy. But at least America died doing what it loved most: deep-frying Halloween candy while white men tried to explain to women what jazz is.

Smart Things I Have Done While You Were Watching Sportsball
May 24th, 2017, 08:07 AM

• Composed a funny Facebook post about how I just don’t understand sportsball. “Sportsball” is the clever term I use to denote whatever sport currently occupies the national psyche. See, it’s clever because it sounds self-deprecating at first—as though I’m someone who doesn’t fit in among the sports-loving masses. But it actually conveys my contempt for sports, which I consider not only frivolous but interchangeably so. Hence “sportsball,” an ingenious portmanteau that I can use to dismiss any sport as a pointless distraction. Except for hockey, since they use a puck for that.

Daily Cartoon: Wednesday, May 24th
May 24th, 2017, 08:07 AM
Remaining Countries on Trump’s Itinerary Say They’d Rather Wait a Month and Meet with Next President
May 23rd, 2017, 08:07 AM

BRUSSELS (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump’s foreign trip hit a snag on Tuesday, when the remaining countries on his itinerary announced that they would rather “wait a month” and meet with the next President instead.

Bonus Cartoon: The Only Bond
May 23rd, 2017, 08:07 AM
Daily Cartoon: Tuesday, May 23rd
May 23rd, 2017, 08:07 AM
Body Types Represented by New Dove Bottles
May 23rd, 2017, 08:07 AM

From curvaceous to slender, tall to petite, and whatever your skin colour, shoe size or hair type, beauty comes in a million different shapes and sizes. Our six exclusive bottle designs represent this diversity: just like women, we wanted to show that our iconic bottle can come in all shapes and sizes, too.

The Post-Presidential Paintings of Donald Trump (Probably)
May 22nd, 2017, 08:07 AM
Daily Cartoon: Monday, May 22nd
May 22nd, 2017, 08:07 AM
Cartoons from the May 29, 2017, Issue
May 21st, 2017, 08:07 AM
Self-Care Tips from Yoko Ono
May 21st, 2017, 08:07 AM

Imagine your face. Imagine your lover’s face. Imagine the face of everyone alive in the world. Think of a snail crawling across all those faces. Let the imagined snail trail brighten your complexion.

Nation Favors Travel Ban on Person Who Has Recently Visited Muslim Country
May 20th, 2017, 08:07 AM

RIYADH (The Borowitz Report)—In a notable shift of public opinion, a substantial majority of Americans now favor a travel ban on a person who has recently visited a Muslim country, a new poll shows.

Washington, D.C., Job Fair
May 20th, 2017, 08:07 AM

Just imagine: a regular paycheck, with no expertise required. Criminal record? No problem. Register now for a cushy government job. Zero embarrassing questions asked. Ride around in a big black Escalade while old enemies pick up the check and you and your cronies pretend to run the world.